Depression

This past week has been an extremely bad week for me emotionally.  I’ve been wavering between crying my eyes out, to wanting to bite someone’s head off (anyone’s head, doesn’t matter who), to wanting to make someone else cry.  The sad thing is, it’s not going to get any easier for me till after the new year.

See this, the time of the “holidays”, was my late husband’s favorite time of the year.  It was cool enough for him to work comfortably outside (he was a bricklayer).  Then there was the whole hoopla about decorating for Christmas.  It started the day after Thanksgiving and he’d sit for hours just watching the lights.  Personally, I haven’t been able to bring myself to decorating since he died.

Anyway, in 2005, right around this time, the end of October/beginning of November, he started having more problems breathing.  So we made an appointment with the doctor.  His oxygen level was in the low 80s, so the doctor sent him to the ER where he was admitted.  While in the hospital they discovered a mass in his lung.  He came out of the hospital on 24/7 of oxygen and the visits to find out if he cancer began.  He had a PET scan done by mid December, and then on December 26, 2005 we found out he did have cancer, it was advanced and hospice should be called in.  We just didn’t know for sure what kind of cancer was killing him.  It was either the return of his esophageal cancer or it was a “new” cancer, lung cancer.  My husband decided to not find out.  He was gone from this world on January 16, 2006.

Since his death, I’ve had an extremely hard time dealing with “this” time of the year.  I want to crawl into bed, pull the covers over my head and not come out until next year.  But I can’t.  So, I have to muddle through the best I can.  I’d love to be able to afford some depression medication, but without health insurance I can’t right now.  It’s taking every fiber of willpower I have to not run to the store and buy up as much chocolate and ice cream I can.  I did beg a Reese’s PB cup off of my neighbor though.  Not bad considering I wanted a whole bag!  I settled for one.

Grief is one of the hardest things to get through.  It can hit you all at once, or like mine, it comes in these huge waves where it floods everything around you.  Right now, I’m in hurricane season.

Back to Exercise

Well, finally the pain in my mouth has faded away.  So now I can handle exercising again.  I’m back to using my treadmill.  Today I added a few minutes of running to my walk.  Boy were my lungs feeling it!  I might need to use my inhaler before I run again.  I think I did three 1 minute runs in my walk and I was really having a hard time catching my breathe after each run.  This from a woman who has never ran!  When I was in high school and our gym teacher would have us run, I walked.

I did so-so with my diet while I was recovering from having 14 teeth pulled.  At least I didn’t gain any weight, but I also didn’t lose any weight.  Eating is still tough because I don’t have any back teeth at this time.  Starting December 1st I will begin my appointments to be fitted for my dentures.  Once they are done, most likely January 26th, my remaining teeth will be pulled and my new teeth put right in.

In an effort to save money, I canceled my Weight Watchers monthly pass and instead joined The Biggest Loser Club.  It’s $20 cheaper, and instead of counting points I’ll be counting calories.

Pain, pain, go away

Yep, I did it.  Had my back teeth pulled yesterday.  On December 1st, I have an appointment to take my first set of impressions to make my dentures.  Then after a few appointments, my new teeth should be ready by January 26th.  My front teeth can be removed any time after that, because they will put my dentures in as soon as the front teeth are pulled.  This helps with any bleeding and swelling.

I decided to quit going to Weight Watchers for right now.  I can really only eat soft foods, which sometimes are higher in points.  So, for now, I’m just going to watch my calorie intake.  Once I no longer have pain in my face from bending over I’m going to go back to doing the 30 Day Shred.

I never wanted to lose weight this way, but in the long run, I’m doing this for my health.  I won’t have to worry about plaque getting in my heart from my periodontal disease.  Nor will I have to deal with the abscess teeth anymore.  I’m very happy I made this decision!

Huge Step

I’m taking a huge step in my “new” me.  Besides losing weight and exercising, I am making another major change.

I’ve been plagued for years with pain in my teeth, but I haven’t had dental insurance to do anything about it.  Now, my teeth are too far gone for my pocketbook.  So, I’ve decided to have my teeth pulled and switch over to dentures.  Yes, some people might think I’m too young (I’m 45), but I’ve known since I was a child that this day would come.  My teeth have always been horrible and I come from a family of horrible teeth.  I get cavities at the drop of a hat, no matter how much I took care of them.  I’ve always had gum issues too.  In fact, when I was 4 years old, a dentist wanted to cut all the roots in my mouth!  Needless to say, my mother fired him, but it just goes to show you what I’ve gone through throughout the years.

Next Wednesday I’m scheduled to have my back teeth removed.  Once my gums heal, about 8 weeks, my dentist will take impressions for my dentures and will have them made.  Then once they are made and I have them in hand, I’ll have the front teeth removed and my dentures put right in.  So, I’m hoping by Christmas I’ll have my new teeth.

Just think, no more pain, no more abscesses, no more cracked teeth, etc.  I can’t wait!

One the weight loss front, I lost 1.8 pounds this past week, and quite frankly, I’m shocked!  I haven’t done that great with my choices or with journaling.  I’m also not sure what kind of weight loss I’ll have after next week, because I’ll be on soft foods until I get my dentures.  Ah well, we’ll see what will happen, but no matter what, I will continue.

Tiny blip

Yesterday I had my first tiny blip in my weight loss journey.  I knew when I left my house that the scales were not going to be kind, so I wasn’t surprised when it showed I had gained .4 of a pound.  I suffer with IBS and because I’ve been under some stress, my IBS is acting up.  So, I felt pretty bloated yesterday morning when I woke up.  I was actually surprised the gain was so little, so hopefully next week it will be a good weigh in.

I walked today on my treadmill at an incline of 3 for the whole walk.  I feel it in my legs now.  I did try doing some running a couple of days ago, but I don’t like the feel of my fat flapping, so I think I’ll wait a while longer before I try running again.

30 Day Shred

I noticed on my cable’s On Demand under the Exercise TV section, they had Level 1 of this DVD.  So today I decided to give it a try.  I had watched it yesterday and it looked like it would be mostly easy.  How wrong can one person be??!!

I couldn’t even complete the full 20 minutes of Level 1!  I collapsed in a heap on the floor after about 12 minutes.  I only got through 2 circuits.  I laid there on the floor, sweating, overheated, and panting for breathe for another 5 minutes.

All of this convinced me that I need to buy this DVD!  I want to master Level 1.  I want to get to the point were doing this level feels easy.  Then I will move on to Level 2.  While yes, I need to lose weight, I’m not in this for the 20 pounds in 30 days part.  I’m in this to get healthy and fit.  This DVD will help me in accomplishing the fit goal.

I’m admitting that before I started this journey on July 15th, I had no clue who Jillian Michaels was.  I was one of the few souls who had never watched The Biggest Loser.  I’m going to explore the other TBL DVD’s to see if I like any of the other ones.

Thinking Positive

Weight Watchers has these tools to help you succeed with your weight loss, which they call “Tools for Living“. Well yesterday’s meeting topic was about the “Positive Self-talking”. I actually feel it should be called “Positive Self-thinking”. We tend to set ourselves up for failure by negative thinking, which in turns gets buried into our subconscious and when that happens, your subconscious doesn’t let you succeed. So we have to quit repeating negative thoughts about our weight loss or our exercise routines. We have to start repeating positive thoughts to ourselves, often, until they become a part of our subconscious.

Another thing we have to start doing is making our goals in present tense, not future tense. Our subconscious does not have a future, so if we make our goals in present tense, our subconscious will help us succeed.

Some of my favorite positive statements to use are:

• I am 100% responsible for my results.
• Whatever it takes, I’ll do it.
• I like eating healthy foods.
• I love working out.
• I have time for anything I am committed to.
• I can do it.

I’ve changed my goals from “I will exercise 6 days a week” to “I am exercising 6 days a week” and “I will lose 100 pounds” to “I am losing 100 pounds”.

Yes, it’s a mind game, but it’s a mind game to succeed!

Food Journal – 09/16/2008

Morning 7.5 points used
1  medium banana(s)
1/2 cup 1% low-fat milk
1 cup Fiber One Caramel Delight
4  Tbsp Fat-Free French Vanilla Liquid Creamer

Midday 7.5 points used
1/2 cup 1% low-fat cottage cheese
1  cup celery
2  slices Italian bread
1 slice Kraft 2% American Cheese
17  items Tiny Pretzel Twists
3  slices Smoked Turkey Breast
1  serving Tribe Hummus Classic – 2 Tbsp.

Evening 10.5 points used
1  cup Ronzoni Smart Taste Spaghetti
1  cup cucumber(s)
1  cup tomato(es)
1  serving Ragu sauce
1/4 cup fat-free Italian salad dressing
2  tsp olive oil
1  Tbsp Promise Light
2  slices Italian bread

Food POINTS values total used 25.5
Food POINTS values remaining     3.5

Activity
30 min bicycling, moderate     2
Activity POINTS values earned     2

Beautiful Day

Today is a beautiful day! After almost a week of gloom, today is sunny! I’ll be headed for a bike ride shortly. Since it’s Tuesday, that can only mean one thing, it’s meeting/weigh in day. Well, with being sick all of last week and only wanting soup, I lost an additional 2.8 pounds. That means my total weight loss so far is 17.2 pounds since July 15th. So I got another 5 pound star today.

I’m still feeling the effects of this sinus infection, but at least it’s easing up. I don’t feel quit as much pressure on my face as I have been feeling.

I started crocheting a scarf last night. I’m not using any set pattern, just using up some yarn I had here in the house. I just chained until it was long enough, and now I’m doing a double crochet stitch. I’ll be sure to post a picture of it when I’m done.

Wet & Soggy

Hi everyone from wet and soggy Illinois. We are under flood watches. My sump pump has been working overtime and my fear is it will demand some time off before this rain stops. I had to run to the video store last night, and the roads were getting flooded. Well, should I say they were getting flooded on my way there, but they weren’t on my way home. That I don’t understand one bit. Anyway, I live about 2 miles from the Kankakee river, but so far my house has been lucky. We are high enough up that we haven’t flooded yet.

I was able to walk 45 minutes yesterday. I kept the speed of the treadmill down to only 2mph, but my sinus trouble is on its way out. The doctor put me on Avelox, as its one of the few stronger antibiotics that I can take. I have some allergy issues, I’m allergic to E-mycin and Sulfa drugs which pretty much take out two branches of antibiotics they usually give to folks.